Tibe

Allah knows what’s best for me. Allah knows how I feel. 

Despite putting my faith in Allah, I should do better for myself. My decision making. What’s right from wrong. I’m at this age that I should not mess things up.

 I miss the old me sometimes. I miss the hopeful Syiqin. The Syiqin filled with excitement, wanting to embark onto journeys that are new. 

…

Would I ever forgive myself for having these thoughts? Why didn’t I say a last word? And now I can’t stop thinking about what might have happened if there was ever a closure.

You know you had enough of the internet/social media when you start to overthink every single bit.

Self inflicted pain.... ful thoughts. I really am my own demon, my own problem. Guide me, Ya Allah

Would never have made it this far, if its not because of Allah❤️ Everything happens because of Him. Alhamdullilah.

Oh Allah.

Is it going to be the end of times? Astagfirullah. As much as I don't want to think about it. But why do I feel this way? As year after year passes, more and more tragedies and crisis are happening around the world. Some of the technologies are quite incredible I must say, but some are far too much. I have loss a lot of my innocent brothers and sisters in the world. Please grant them a place in Jannah. Amin.

What am I suppose to do? How can I help? I feel useless staring at the television screen. There's another side of the world in great suffering. I'm under a roof, with food to eat. Living in one of the most affluent countries with a high standard of living and life expectancy. What is it in for me? I am grateful. Oh yes. But if I am comfortable in dunya, is it unlikely so in the hereafter?

I seek more knowledge, Ya Allah. Show me. What can I do to help, to make this world a better place.

From political issues to environmental ones. Could I even live to see 20 more years?

I pray that this world will be a better place. But this dunya isn't fit for us. It isn't a place for us.

I woke up from my afternoon nap, to the feeling of great miss. Woke up feeling I should be out now with anyone, exploring or doing something meaningful. Then it came to the realisation of the emptiness I have. Do I even have friends to begin with? It's not that I've done anything wrong that I don't deserve any but it's my lack of social skills to be able to make new friends or forged a closer relationship.

The closest friend I know was admitted to the hospital for a week and so. And she's so close to me. When she was there to stay for a while, I didn't had a chance to go out with anyone.

I feel so empty now. I see that a lot of other people has a group of friends that they are close with and constantly in contact with. Is it I am jobless, that's why I lack of in there? My introvert personality had me to blame all this while?

Maybe this is a reminder, all I truly need is Allah.

 OK asar pukul 16:18 and aku masih belum solat zuhur masih nk bbl psl empty empty ni sume. OK Chao. Lol)

Oh Allah.

When Im being reminded of you, is the most beautiful feeling ever. Days have been busy, dunya had make me a busy person. Even so, whenever I hear stories of Nabi Muhammad SAW or how beautiful Islam is, you make my heart full. Full of content, full of gratefulness. I know my wrong doings, I know my flaws. I know I am no where near a perfect Muslim. Yet, Masha Allah, the knowledge I received about Islam, makes me want to be a better person.

Ya Allah, thank you for opening my heart. I love to seek for You. You make me happy. Bless me, Ya Allah. Bless me with good health so I can live longer and grow old gracefully. With a inquisitive mind set, so I can gather knowledge from around the world.

Ya Allah, I feel in awe of this world that you have created even if this world is made to break humankind. Through all the adversities and triumphs, we can see the beauty in between the cracks.

Oh Allah, I can't thank you enough.

Please make me a better Muslimah. Amin.

Today is Nyai's 70th Birthday. Alhamdullilah. Semoga Allah panjangkan umur and murahkan rezeki nyai. Amin Amin amin robbal alamin. It has been months since I last visited nyai. Could not find the time to do so because whenever I want to, my body is lethargic from school. The copious amount of revision and thoughts of doing well for the EOY exam left me dry and dead, figuratively. It's no excuse of course. But I promised her that I'll visit her often after I am finish with exams.
I miss her and yai so so much. Nyai is soft spoken now, with few words to say. Not as focus as before. I teared a while looking at her just now. Imagining the worst, would if I lose her someday. I promise nyai and yai that I will do well. Have a successful career and always be generous to people around you. In Shaa Allah.

Getting a bit emotional. The thought of a loved one, waiting for his/her time to come. Times like this, hopes are slowly diminishing. Never had a proper conversation, but a familiar face throughout my childhood, family weddings or family gatherings. However, always so thoughtful. Never failed to shower love and wishes. Never close, but having a heart filled with kindness. Torn in between. I want to visit her. It doesn't matter if your far, right? Never close, but for the final time. You're still relative. Ya Allah, I wish to visit her.

Sesibuk-sibuk apapun kita, sempatkanlah untuk menjenguk saudara, teman, dan kolega kita yang sedang sakit. Selain merupakan “panggilan kemanusiaan”, amalan kebaikan ini dicatat sebagai pahala yang tinggi di sisi Allah. Allah menjanjikan mereka yang menjenguk orang-orang sakit, posisi yang mulia di Surga-Nya kelak.
Rasulullah bersabda: “Barang siapa menjenguk orang sakit atau mengunjungi saudaranya karena Allah, maka malaikat berseru: ‘Engkau adalah orang yang baik, langkahmu adalah langkah yang baik, dan engkau telah mendapatkan suatu posisi di surga’”(HR Tirmidzi dari Abu Hurairah, r.a.).   

Oh Allah. I am sorry for the days that I sounded ungrateful. I am sorry for the days for
not being a good muslimah. Guide me the way, Ya Allah.

It's nice to know that I am being needed :')

Stabbed my heart from time to time upon the thoughts of never being adequate

Hi, holidays! We meet again, alhamdullilah. Nope, no time to slack. Unfortunately.

My stomach feels uneasy. Basically pooped water for the last 3 days. I am not sure what quite happened here. I know I ate salad from Cold Storage near my workplace. I ate some healthy wholemeal oat buns too. The next day, I came running to the toilet and there it was watered poop. My stomach churned and churned. I had some sort of contractions as if someone is squeezing my intestines. My cousin gave me some medications yesterday and I feel so much better now. Alhamdullilah. My stomach feels empty though. In shaa Allah, takde pape. I just want to be healthy.

Haven't seen my siblings for a while now. I miss them. Is this how it feels to grow up? I am cooped in my room, the door locked. Fiddling with handphone, scrolling through facebook and youtube. Deactivated my Instagram recently. I feel the need to purge my thoughts from the judgment and negativity of social media. I hope it stays this way. I should create a new facebook account as well. I don't know 95% of my facebook friends.

I look forward to spending my time with my fiance. I always look forward to meeting him, and his family. I look forward to seeing my cousins, my other family members. I have so many things running in my mind. What am I suppose to do first? What's important first?

I call my fiance, KOC. In WhatsApp of course. I don't feel like referring him to any of his initials yet. Well, he reminded me of the importance of Allah. I always feel..... lonely. I always, low key, complain of being lonely. Allah is always there. Have I done enough to call Him out? Why must I feel this way? All my flaws and mistakes slowly exposed. I feel He is reaching towards me, showing me the solutions. I guess I am too ignorant to realize. Dumb and ignorant. Forgive me. 😪

I feel my motivation does not come in the form of actions, instead, words. I feel I need a push. How am I going to be the best version of myself, if I am so ignorant? Where's the girl who used to jot down things in her random book. Her ideas, her thoughts. Where is that person?

Oh Allah, help me. I am lost. I need guidance.

To avert your attention from my helpless self, I have thought about an idea of creating a superhero character in comics. It may sound stupid, but it might be an interesting project.

Til then, goodnight xx

I think you probably already heard about how my feelings get suppressed because I don't wish to discuss or vent out. I feel other people has bigger problems than mine. Then, who am I to complain? Well, tonight. All those suppressed feelings finally burst out. I have been holding back my feelings too much. Not talking about it seems easier. It sucks.

On a happier note, one paper down. Alhamdullilah. 5 more papers to go.

I am so tired.

Is having your fun and zany personality being stripped away from you means growing up? Is always being tired leads to you feeling like you have a mediocre life? Honestly, it sucks to realise that you are more quiet now. I meant me. I am more quiet and reserved and God knows why. Speaking of which, my circle of friends are getting smaller and smaller. My whole life revolves around school and work. On the hand, I am blaming myself for this. Self inflicted. Poor to lack of time management. I chose to follow the routined life.

I NEED TO SPICE UP MY LIFE

If other people can find a way to have fun and just enjoy creating more moments in life, why can't I?

Like most of the years, 2018 is passing by in a blink of an eye. With the thought of graduation next year, am I really ready for adulthood? Of course I am but it's gonna be a bit weird transitioning from schooling to working because home girl has been schooling since forever. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for all my achievements so far. Alhamdullilah. Big planes ahead, when I mean big. It's big. Ya Allah, ease my affairs. Bless me in everything I do. Amin.

I have been working consistently during holidays now. And man, even though work is tiring. I love work. The people, the customers and what's not. And if you didn't already know, I am working part time in retail @ Orchard. Thanks to my sayang, Dini, I had the opportunity to work. Thanks sayang! Now there's no reason for me to complain, "dah lama tak jalan jalan kat town" because I'm at town like 4/5 days a week. The thought of gg work after sch already makes me so tired than I alr am right now 😩 I do miss the naps I used to take after school. But oh wells. It's totally fine.

Sometimes, I wonder. The people along the streets or whoever, whom asked for money from strangers. I really can't tell apart from those who are actually needy and those who aren't. A week ago, an old man at the bus stop near my place was staring at me weirdly. I knew la like something was not right. He went up to me complaning about his son, his condition and how

he did not have money to eat. I fished out a note and gave it to him. He seemed so grateful. But as I boarded the bus, he sat down at the seat where I first saw him. It got me thinking, is he going to ask for money from other people besides me? I don't mind lending a helping hand but if someone does it deliberately to con you. Well, that sucks. We will never know people's intentions so it's better to just keep quiet. I know of some people who pesters you, "forces" you to donate. That is really ridiculous la cmon la. 

Anyhoo, I want to get something off my chest.

I hate to think of bad memories or any kind of situation(whether present/past) which isn't a pleasant one. Especially when you were the one being kicked in the dirt without even knowing why you deserve that. But I truly feel disturb and certainly DO NOT APPRECIATE if anyone still checks up on me on a regular or frequently. I forgive but I won't ever forget all the hardships that dragged me down. Especially those that scarred me. I know too much and I am so grateful that I am out of the hell hole. There will always be a certain someone who will talk trash about you that isn't true just to make him/her look good or appear innocent. *coughs* Tahu tak apa fitnah? Well, this world is so small I know. Tapi tkde kene mengena jangan nak kirim salam ke apa. Dah maafkan dah bagus, sudah tu sudah. Takde kaitan lagi kalau nak tanya kau kenal sesiapa yang aku kenal abeh nak mcm beri khabar. Some people tak sedar diri. Act as if nothing happened. So.... I never want to cross paths ever again. Don't check on me. Don't ask about me. Don't ever ask about my family members or friends. :)

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